Use your voice, it is very important…

Inherently I knew that if I did not find my voice, holding everything inside would eventually kill me; perhaps not physically but my dreams, future endeavors, and hopes would all die. Not in a noticeable way, but slowly…over time. I would seem to be doing just fine on the outside, to those who can not really see into the heart of a matter, but, I would be dying a slow death internally. My voice would be drowned out by all the other voices in the world…

It is this fear of drowning in the world, voiceless, that pushes me beyond my fear (real and imagined) to the place where I have started to speak out about the things that are important and needed to be expressed. I had to empower myself to speak. I needed to give myself permission to give voice to my hearts thoughts, because no one else could or would be able to do this for me. I was on this journey alone…

There is one journey that I have always known that I would take when the time was right. As a child, and then a young adult, I instinctively knew that searching for my biological family was a necessity. I did not realize, however, that this journey would be tied to me finding my voice. In fact, locating my family has been a major facilitator in realizing that I had not found my voice in totality up until that point. As mentioned in earlier posts, I was not totally aware of this need to search for my voice; I did not know that my voice was missing. It seemed, at least to those around me, that I had no problem with voicing my opinion. But this was not the case, and deep down inside of myself, I knew that I needed to speak out in more ways.

I have always been accused of being too outspoken. Everyone around me seemed to view my outspoken tendencies as a liability. As a result, I too started to see speaking up in a bad light. As I became a teenager this tendency to speak out (at inappropriate times) seemed to worsen. I was often in trouble about this issue of being too outspoken, but I did not seem (to the adults around me) to be learning any lessons that would prohibit this tendency to say what was on my mind at inappropriate times.

It has taken me a while to view my voice as an asset and I am now learning that my voice needs to be managed with wisdom. As an adult, I have come to realize that voicing an opinion requires discernment. Occasionally, time may be needed to formulate the right words to use about various situations that we are passionate about. The adults in my life, were trying to teach me that tact and discernment when I was a child. My Parents and mentors wanted me to understand that there was a time to speak and a time to be quiet. Sometimes, however, this lesson on tact instills fear into the hearts of those who are being accused of speaking out too much. I have relied on tact to know when to be quiet, but have failed to understand and recognize those times that necessitate speaking up…

Life’s journeys can be accompanied by unexpected turns. Of course setting out to find your voice will be no different, in this way, from any other trip that we choose to embark upon. There are usually turns that we do not see up ahead, sudden stops (due to unexpected objects blocking our paths), and sometimes we may be forced to re-route to the destination. Our GPS could lose signal, which is very frustrating and can be scary . The same should be anticipated for the journey to our true voice. There is no way to predict various occurrences, just like in life all that can be done is preparation and anticipation that we will make it to our desired place.

We also need a back-up plan as we expect these unexpected turns that our journey can take. Because this journey to our voice is metaphorical, we may be tempted to overlook these snares and undermine their effect on our psyche. However, the things that could happen on this journey could deter us from finishing out the process that we started. Preparation for the unknown, and a plan is the key to our success…

Before a journey starts, there is usually a decided destination in mind. Most often, there is a mapped out plan of direction to take to arrive safely at the desired place. It is important that we view the journey to finding our voice the same way. A certain amount of anticipation for the unexpected bumps in the road should go with us.  As we journey towards discovering our voice, we need to prepare for the shocking discoveries that are destined to arise.

In preparation for the search for my biological Mother and family, I took the time to make sure that I was as emotionally ready for the things that I would uncover, both good and bad, as I possibly could be. Although I attempted to equip myself as much as possible, there is no way total readiness is attainable. There will always be the possibility for being caught off guard by something or someone along the way.

Although the journey may have bumps, it has possibilities for good surprises as well. We are on a voyage and should approach this sojourn with an optimistic outlook. Preparation does not equate to disaster, it should be viewed more like a safety net. Our everyday lives can be unpredictable, and the same is true with the journey to our true voices…

There are times when finding our voice requires that we look into some unfamiliar places; places that have never been explored before. This is the part that appears terrifying and could stop us from deciding to continue with our personal journey. Looking into those places that we would rather leave untouched and closed, however, is a vital part of the voyage to finding our voice. Those unexplored places hold keys that can unlock our voice and usher us into the next dimension of the freedom and courage needed to speak out.

This process looks different for everyone, because no two people have the exact same journey. A part of voyaging into that unfamiliar place for my own personal journey was searching for my biological Mother and family. I had been left in the hospital the day I was born and adopted out of the system at the age of two. This part of the journey took me into places (within) that had not previously been explored. Being adopted meant that I had not known my roots or history and could not truly understand myself or my voice in entirety. I grew up with a void of sorts that left me feeling incomplete. This was also a large part of the reason that I could not seem to locate my own personal voice. How could I have the courage to speak out in truth when I felt that I possessed a partial part of myself and history? The part that is the foundation and beginning of my story. The part that is most vital to my voice even existing. Do not misunderstand me, I am grateful for being adopted and cared for, however, I still sought to fully know and understand my history. If going into the past unlocks keys to finding our voice, I had to go back to my very first day on the earth; the day that I was abandoned by my birth Mother. This step required prayer, patience, and perseverance.  I was truly about to embark on the journey of my lifetime, in more ways than one…

I am realizing that I had been waiting for my voice to appear out of thin air or waiting to find my voice lying around somewhere to be stumbled upon. Finding my voice has been more like searching with intent. Like when you lose your keys and you walk around searching attentively for those lost keys, looking in different places. Suddenly, you see the keys that you have been searching for and get a sense of relief. If someone else was caught up in the search for your keys with you, then you yell out to the other person “I found them!” They usually ask, “Where did you find them?” and you reply with the place of concealment. The thing about searching for lost keys is that you usually retrace your steps and look in familiar places. Finding my voice has also required that, like searching for lost keys, I look in some familiar places of my past.  Some of these places hold the keys that will help unlock my voice.

The journey to find my voice took me down the road of my own personal history to some familiar memories. Some of the memories I have are pleasant and some of them are not so great. Pleasant or not I had to trace my steps in order to uncover what had caused me to lose my voice in the first place. I discovered that sometimes the voice of other people had caused me to turn my own voice down. Most of these people were well meaning, however, their words hindered my own words. Listening to their voice about what I should or should not express with my own voice had contributed to my insecurity about myself and my voice. Walking in that insecurity does not allow me to walk in the confidence needed to express my voice. There is not room on the journey for both security and insecurity. It is kind of like light and dark, they do not usually hang out together. Once the light is turned on the darkness runs away. Security is like the light and insecurity is like the darkness; one overrules the other but they never rule together. I had to decide which would rule, light or darkness. While on the surface, this seems to be an easy decision, it has been one of the toughest decisions that I have had to make.

This was the part of the journey that is usually referred to as a “cross road” and I had to choose the road to take. It frightened me because in order to find my own voice and truly walk in security, I needed to temporarily shut out the voices of other people. This is not always welcomed by the voices that are used to casting the shadow of their opinion in your life, and may cause friction and tension. However, it is crucial if you desire to authentically express your own voice. Also, not expressing my voice was causing me internal tension, as well as tension in my relationship with God because I was continually (for the sake of peace with other people) ignoring who I was created to be, and turmoil with those around me because I felt frustrated by constraint. I desired to walk in the freedom that I felt God beckoning me to experience, so I chose the road less journeyed…